I Want

Freedom of Speech, First Amendment Rights, these are what America is built upon. One wants to believe this. But if this is true, why do we ban books, music and movies? We send our soldiers to fight for our freedom, but back home; we fight censorship with less motivation. Can my words be challenged in this essay? I often wonder if what I write could be used against me in a court of law. Can I be the person who does not care? I am not sure who I would be if I could pick someone else. Everyone seems to have problems’ even heroes. Certainly at this time in my life I would not pick myself. For that matter, I might as well be Murphy Law. Just when my life seems to finally be on track it takes a nose dive into oblivion. I would love for someone to censor my life; to take away anything that is remotely bad and leave only the good. I guess I would be asleep for awhile. I want to live in the movie Pleasantville where everything is goodie-two-shoes instead of the movie Three Kings where I’d be fighting a war I have nothing to do with.

Then again, this is an assignment, and I can play this game or, at least, dream for a little bit. I can be a writer and get published; maybe win some awards for my work. To finally suck out the mess that I call my brain and put what I really want to say on paper is something I would love to do. To let myself go, not worry about what people would think or say. Just once I would like to say what is on my mind, to tell someone what I really think instead of pushing the back button and erasing what I wrote. To tell that person what I really think of them and not worry of the repercussions. To be that employee who screams at the customer while stomping out and then be invited back. To boldly look a person in the eye and tell them I know what they said or did; and, look, I am still here. Maybe if I did, I would not have people stomping all over me. Being the good guy stinks sometimes. To do anything other than right, knowing I would have to one day stand in front of my Maker and face the consequences scares me, but I can still dream.

I want to be that girl, the one who can speak her mind and everyone watches out. I want to be the girl everyone wants to hang out with even though they call her a “bitch” and she knows it, acts proud of it. I want to be the one who gets up and is the only one dancing the life of the party. I want to be the one who can take thousands of pictures of herself and post them to Facebook. Yes, I want to be that girl! I want to be the girl who gets saved by Mark Walberg, the one he takes out of the desert and into a better place (Russell). To live on, go out and not feel guilty that I just blew gas money.

I can see myself writing a book, a poem, a song and then have it censored. At least I would not be threatened to be put in jail for thrashing my hips as Elvis was. In 1955 in San Diego and Florida they warned Elvis that if he thrashed his hips he would be charged with obscenity (Sparrow). And the world seems bent on this kind of censoring. If Elvis thrashed his hips, what would be the implications? No one would die; someone may actually learn how to dance. I would love to be one of those die hard librarians who can stand up to Congress and tell them that censoring is a parent’s job, not anyone else’s. As a parent I would love for singers, rappers, actors and actresses to not use cuss words and sexual innuendo. But  life is thus and it is my responsibility to tell my kids whether they can watch or listen to something and explain why. What I deem as inappropriate, another person will not. How bad does it have to get when an artist is banned such as Bob Dylan was in 1968 because Texas radio stations could not understand his lyrics (Sparrow). I want to be the person who has enough guts to get out there and say how wrong this was. Censorship is a moral issue, not the country’s, but mine; it is what I consider appropriate for myself and my family. My daughter loves the song by LMAFO I’m Sexy and I Know It, does that mean after watching the video she is going to stand on top of a bar and “wiggle” with barely any clothes on? I would hope that I have taught her better and until she is 18, what she listens to is my choice.

I want to be that person who, when my son graduates from Boot Camp, I will stand proud and smile and not be a blubbering idiot falling to pieces. I want to be that person who is so self-assured that I know he will do well that he will endure and come home in one piece, especially alive. I want to be the mother who knows he will be going most likely to a desert as the characters in Three Kings did and were put in the heart of a democratic uprising and  knowing my son will do the right thing and become the hero he wants to be.

I want to stand up for inequality for people and for myself. I want to be the ex-wife who stands up to her bullying ex-husband; to be the person who says “stop” continuing to hurt me mentally. To say that by doing this you’re not going to bring your daughter closer to you. Most of all I want to be the one who lets go and moves on. Who fixes whatever breaks down, on her own, instead of dialing him first. I want to be independent, to do the opposite of what Karl Young states in his article Ways and Means, “to be less willing to consider new ideas.” I can adapt to change. I can “self publicize in terms of commitment, courage, and individualism, and stop seeing my life as the last resource of the terminally incompetent” (Young)!

I want to write beautiful poetry. I want to be the forbidden fruit in Michael Lally’s poem of the same name. I want to be the one who finally feels the happiness; maybe I am afraid to venture that far. I want someone to hear me and “understand at last that I don’t need them” because I have been heard (Lally). By censoring, you put a stop to someone’s words. You do shut them up but they always find a way to get it out there in the world. By banning something, you bring out in the open what was banned. For the curious, you just did something you never thought would happen, you made it popular. All you have to do is look at the success of Judy Blume and her books, which are frequently being banned. I can be someone else; I am at that turning point in life. It is courage that holds me back the worry of what people will think and the worry of what I will become. As Young states, “I can overcome this with a bit of patience and commitment and hope.” Maybe I can be reborn or find a new self. I just want to become someone else; to lose this shell of mine and come out on top. I want to see my kids grow up into someone who will stand up for themselves and know how to grab what they want instead of what another wants. I just “want” instead of “need”.

Works Cited

Lally, Michael. "Forbidden Fruit." Poetry.org. N.p., 2001. Web. 8 May 2012. http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/16048

Russell, David, dir. Three Kings. Warner Brothers, 1999. DVD. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120188/

Sparrow, Kelly . "Me & Living. August 26, 2009. Music censorship (part 1) : A brief history Continue reading on Examiner.com Music censorship (part 1) : A brief history - Lexington Live Music | Examiner.." Examiner.com. N.p., 2009. Web. 8 May 2012. http://www.examiner.com/article/music-censorship-part-1-a-brief-history

Young , Karl. "Ways and Means: Notes on Alternative Publishing one year into the 90's." . TUCoPS, 1991. Web. 8 May 2012. http://tucops.com/tucops3/etc/misc/live/aoh_sp000352.htm